247°F

“According to 247°F, the movie is "based on true events." They must mean that it’s based on people who accidentally lock themselves in a sauna in general, because the characters don’t really come across as real persons. Take for instance Jenna, who we’re told is "cute ... smart and interesting and fun." These are all Informed Attributes (since Jenna is played by Scout Taylor-Compton, I would dispute the "cute" part as well), as are Informed Abilities Ian’s (Travis Van Winkle) "physics major" and "English degree" and "communications minor." Ian says he has "always had a fascination with literature," and has "always loved to write;" however, when speaking about the Sauna of Doom, which Wade (Tyler Mane) built, Ian calls it Wade’s "latest and most recent installment." He sure does have a way with words, doesn’t he? To the devil his due, though; Ian hits the nail right on the head when he points out that Renee (Christina Ulloa) wears the pants in her relationship with Michael (Michael Copon) — in the prior scene we see the latter two allegedly having sex; he appears to be naked, at least from the waist up, but she has a shirt and pants on. That’s gotta chafe. Anyway, it might be argued that trapped in a relatively small ablutionary space in your underwear/swimsuit is no place or time to show off how smart and interesting and fun you are (though, for the sake of the audience, it’s the perfect place to do so); to this hypothetical argument I would reply that Spanish drama Madrid, 1987 — whose characters are not only nominally writers but sound like it too, even when stuck in a bathroom naked — would beg to differ. Now, in 247°F there’s also the matter of the suffocating heat, but while that may excuse you from being witty and charming and shit, does it justify throwing logic and reason and common sense overboard? Case in point: when Wade’s dog Beau stars barking by the sauna’s outer wall, Ian, Jenna, and Renee attempt to communicate with the animal; here, poor Ulloa is made to say (and repeat) the thankless line "Please, God. Let us out, Beau." Uh, you know it’s a dog, right? Why the hell are you pleading with it? I mean, it isn’t keeping you there any more than he can let you out — or do you expect Beau to somehow spontaneously develop opposable thumbs and unblock the sauna door? Maybe ease up on the physics and literature and brush up on your zoology next time, yes?”