William Tell

“Hmmm. Never before have I heard anyone proudly declare "We are Swiss" in quite such an underwhelming manner before, and that rather sums up the lacklustre performance of Claes Bang as the title character in this verbose crossbow chronology. Traumatised by his experiences in the Crusade, he's now not a natural rebel but is instead content to live peaceably with his wife and son. When he comes to the rescue of a stranger whose wife had just been raped and murdered by the occupying troops of the King of Austria (Sir Ben Kingsley) his former valiance is rekindled and releases all manner of hell on his unprepared, unarmed and unsuspecting people. Pursued by the maniacal "Gessler" (Connor Swindell) and his blonde henchman "Stussi" (Jake Dunn), he has to rediscover his skill with the arrow, and yes - there's the legendary scene with the apple and the boy's head! There is some stunning Alpine photography mingled in with the pretty obvious CGI, and to be fair to it there are plenty of action scenes as Tell and his rapidly increasing circle of friends proves to be quite adept at reducing their foes to wriggling corpses. Sir Ben has managed to fish out his eye patch from "The Last Legion" (2007) but like Sir Jonathan Pryce, he doesn't really feature enough to make much more than a few cameo appearances to add a little bit of Thespian gravitas to this rather sterile and flat history. The characters are really lacking in charisma in this film and the long-winded dialogue and charm-free efforts from all but, perhaps, Dunn - think a weedier version of "Stamper" from "Tomorrow Never Dies" (1997) just don't really resonate much at all. There's plenty of attention to the creative detail with the costumes and castles all fitting the bill nicely but it's probably half an hour longer than it needs to be and screams sequel at us at it's all rather rushed end.”

“I'm tired of this rubbish. What are the odds of an Iranian woman wandering around Switzerland in the middle ages? 0.0000002%? Or 0.0000001% 🤔 This is completely absurd, it completely devalues the entire script as well as the acting. They can't just make a movie with white people anymore. I guess some random organization has prohibited that?”